Red Hat Invasion

Driving past the Claim Jumper today my eyes were drawn to a patch of color waiting outside the door. At first glance, it had to be some team with matching uniforms breaking for lunch. I soon realized that I was wrong. It was just a gaggle of red hat ladies. Who would have thought that one stupid saying would become such a craze? Something like, "When I am an old woman I will wear purple and a big [ugly] red hat" blah, blah, blah... I first saw red hat crap in one of the throngs of catalogs that graces my mailbox every week. I didn't get it. Was this supposed to mean something to me? Must be a Midwest thing. Sure enough, when we went to Indiana I saw that this red hat thing was for real and the Blueberry Festival was the place to get your red hat crap. So, I returned home convinced that the red hat ladies were just a hokey midwestern thing. Good, they could keep it! It just seemed so dumb. Then, I started seeing bits of red hat paraphenalia around my bank in Sun City. "Well, maybe it's an old person thing, and it will stay contained in Sun City like golf carts and wearing socks with sandals." Unfortunately, I also noticed that red hat crap was accounting for more space in my catalogs than before. The next thing I know, the Vegas chapter of the Red Hats are out in Pahrump at a brothel posing for pictures that actually made it into the Sunday newspaper. I was apalled; how uncool could these women make things? Now, they've even ruined the brothels! Then sleeper cells start showing up at restaurants disturbing an otherwise enjoyable dining experience with their garrish purple moo-moos and huge, bright red hats. I thought that the South was the only place you could still get away with wearing these monstroseties! Where would one buy an awful red hat if so inclined? Alas, they are taking over the accessory section of department stores. You think I'm joking? Next time you go to the Mall pay attention. You too could own a hideously impractical red hat for only $39.99+ tax! They are multiplying, too. When we went to the Ranch to see Once Upon a Mattress it was Red Hat night and between them and all the other old people in general we were definitely a minority. They support the Arts but don't have enough manners to take off their awful hats that obstruct the view of short people behind them. How rude!

Don't get me wrong, I think that it's great that old ladies are getting together and being social. But why can't it be more classy? I guess that's the point. Personally, I would much rather be a Ya-Ya. They may have been pretty screwed up, but they knew how to have a good time and dressed well while doing it. Ya-Ya!