auf Deutsch

I just got home tonight from a quick trip to see Katie in her first opera at NAU. I forgot how looong operas are. Geez! Of course, it was in German, but they actually had subtitles. I was a little disapointed that I didn't understand as much of the German as I should have after studying it for three years in high school and one in college. I was never fluent by any stretch of the imagination, but I could converse a little with German tourists during my days working on the Strip at Macy's. I was still able to pick out a lot, though. I've heard a lot of people say that if you don't use your foreign language skills frequently you lose them, and the only way to achieve fluency is to immerse yourself in language by speaking it all the time at home or by moving to a country where it is spoken. I guess my only hope for saving my German language skills is to move to Germany or, better yet, Austria (..."the hills are alive...").Well, maybe it doesn't have to be that drastic;I'll settle for a nice European vacation one of these days. Until then... Auf Weidersehen!

Winter to Spring

For once in my life, I have no easy words... Your words did not fall on deaf ears. Winter came earlier than expected. So, you think that you can fight it by continuing to wear T-shirts and keeping the coat locked in the closet. But, it's Winter all the same. Slight aquiescence by wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt, but still no coat, because it is NOT Winter! But, that harsh day came when the frigid wind whipped at my volunerable pink nose- stinging and burning. Unexpectadly, it came from the East and it came from the West piercing through my soul as only the winter wind can. I shivered and I cried as my tears turned to ice. Finally, I ran for the closet where my coat waited to envelope me in the warmth of its down. I held it so tightly around me;it was all the protection I could find from the winter wind. Finally, I was warm. My face still stung and the tears still came, but they were no longer ice. Winter continued, but the wind did subside. Still, everywhere I went I took my coat- just in case. Now, the days are warming, but Spring is just a little late. The day is coming for the coat to go back into the closet, but the warmth of my coat isn't seasonal-it's in the sun on my face and the flickering of a candle's flame. So much becomes Death's victim at the hand of the harsh Winter wind; yet, that which clings for survival has faith that Winter will become the life-giving Spring.

I don't know how to say what I feel. I'm confused, yet I understand. I'm sad and hurt, but I want to smile. I'm angry, but I share the dream. I wanted to speak, but the words wouldn't come. I want to be biased, but that isn't the truth. I'm vulernable and afraid, yet I've never been stonger in my life. I have learned so much about life, God and myself that I will never again be the person I was. Time heals wounds. The hurt will smart for a while, but I believe in love and goodness and the strength and healing that is possible, which lets me say, "Thank you. I accept."

More of the Week in Review

I promise that I won't get into the habit of this, but I just wanted to finish off the Easter re-cap for those of you who were otherwise engaged or as Don chides "need to decide if they are going to really be Catholic or not".

Totally NOT church related: Last week I sadly lost my chance to say that I knew an American Idol winner way-back-when. Mikalah Gordon was voted off AI. I actually watched, and I knew that it would happen. Oh, well... It's not too much of a loss, because I didn't even remember that I knew her until my mom reminded me that we were in The Sound of Music together. In my defense, that was six years ago, and she looked a lot different at ten years old! The big mouth and attitude are the same, though.

I attended the Easter Vigil Saturday night. Yup, I just sat there, and it was nice. Of course, I have the same complaints and critiques that I always do, but there was really only one moment that gave me the "I should have done that" twinge. It passed quickly. I just don't really feel the need to throw myself into the stress and drama (yes- there was some... one of the singers walked out in the middle of Mass due to an altercation over microphone volume. Gee, I've never heard that one before! :) ). It was much nicer to sit and be in the moment for a change.

Of course, yesterday was Easter. We did the family tour in the morning: Don's family first and then brunch with mine. Anthony even made it; I joked that he needed to put some Visine in his eyes so that his all night partying wouldn't be as obvious when he got to church! That boy cracks me up! He did make it to 5:00 Mass and looked fine. We haven't had to play at 5:00 Mass on Easter for the last few years, but this year we decided to take it back. Usually, no one comes to 5:00 Mass on Easter;well, the secret must have gotten out because the church was full with standing room only!
So, our dreams of 5:00 Mass on Easter being canceled have been dashed. After Mass, I made the whole family sit for the requisite holiday picture. They all hate doing it (except maybe Doreen), but are happy when they can frame it later. After that, we drove to California for dinner and debriefing in the spa at Debbie's with our usual Sunday evening crowd. We all missed having Katie there, but she'll be home again soon. :)

Things have been so busy lately that I was really looking forward to hanging out at home today, but I got roped in to doing a funeral this morning. It was actually very nice. I usually don't mind doing funerals once I get there. It was for Sharon Ensign's mom, which would make her John Ensign's grandmother. He did a very nice, heartfelt and spiritual eulogy. Aside from being our senator, I always liked him because when I was little he saved my cat when she was attacked by Dobermans. By trade he is a veterinarian. It's always nice to know that politicians can be very human and have families and spiritual lives that aren't just a front for the public. So, that brings me to this moment... I'll get back to the other stuff next time.

Holy Week

I don't write about what happened today or yesterday very often, but this will be an exception. Since I am a good little Catholic, I have been immersed in Holy Week. On Tuesday, we took the Jr. High kids out to Red Rock for the Holy Week Hike. Admittedly, it was not a very religious or spiritual experience, but sometimes that's hard to do with Jr. High students. You take whatever you can get!

Yesterday was Good Friday, and we were involved in the dramatic presentation of the Stations of the Cross. Boy was it a labor of love this year! If so many of us didn't believe in it so much, it would have been very easy to have let it go. We had very little support and most of our set materials and props had been thrown out in a mad cleaning spree. There were a few moments when we thought it just wasn't going to happen this year, and if it did, no one was going to come. But, the Holy Spirit takes over when you most need it, and low and behold, it was wonderful. I am so proud of our work with the Stations. It really reminds me of what Christ the King used to be about: touching people and making them think about Jesus' sacrifice and how His love effects their lives. As the years have progressed, CTK has become more and more cerebral and PC and has lost the simplicity of our common human experience which centers around emotion and the love of Christ. You shouldn't have to be a liturgist or have a Masters in Theology to understand the point. Ok, off my soap box now... Back to my point; there is so little that I really believe in these days where the church (apart from my job, but that's another ministry for another topic!)is concerned, but Stations is the exception. It is amazing how people are touched through the story- the music, reading and drama only support it. It will always be the story that is the most important thing we have been entrusted with, and we have told it well. I am honored to be a part of it and look forward to its growth in the years to come.

Dodgeball

Working with Junior High kids this year has been quite an education. They are constantly surprising me. Just when I think that I have them all figured out, they do something crazy, random and unexpected. I guess it's just part of their age and the "I'm a kid- No, I'm a teenager" schizophrenic tug-of-war they are experiencing. They sure keep you on your toes! One thing I did not expect at all is their love for Dodgeball. When these kids get anywhere together all they want to do is play Dodgeball. It amazes me that they will play Dodgeball 5+ hours straight. Some kids never even leave the court! Every now and then a rogue game of basketball or two-hand touch will erupt in the middle, but Dodgeball is always victorious. I know that a movie recently came out about the game and there are televised Dodgeball games on cable. but I'm not sure that has influenced the popularity of the game too much. I think the kids would have been just as pumped about it if it was just a game they played every now and then in P.E.

Those of you that are not aware of this new Dodgeball revolution may be as shocked as I was to find that the game is not the same playground favorite we all remember. In fact, it was only a month or so ago that my friend Mark and I were reminiscing about those fond Dodgeball matches of yesteryear. How simple it was then: we lined up against a brick wall and very large boys hurled volleyballs, basketballs- you name it- at our head, back, stomach and groin with the sole purpose of inflicting as much bodily pain as possible. Let's not forget the emotional torment of being lined up execution style with no escape from the coming onslaught of balls. Some of you S&M types may be getting excited, but we have Dodgeball nightmares to this very day! Of course, the public school system was a lot different back then- back when students were tortured in the name of eye/hand co-ordination, quick reflexes and team sportsmanship. Don't forget- we were having fun!

Needless to say, 15 or so years later, I was appalled when my Junior High kids wanted to play Dodgeball. I had hoped that the game had sailed off into oblivion so that no subsequent generation would be subjected to its horrors. To my surprise, in this new, more PC age, Dodgeball has evolved. No more firing squad line-ups- the participants are scattered all over half-court; Now, participants can jump and move and even run away from the ball! Even better- the game is now equal opportunity: I can pick up the ball that was intended for me and throw it back at whoever threw it in the first place! It's almost a completely different game! I wonder if any of my other P.E. favorites have undergone this change- like steal the bacon or square dancing (yes, I was abused during square dancing lessons, too!). Here's another one that's a little random: Remember when wearing a helmet while riding your bike was the dorkiest thing ever? Now, it's totally normal... (I DID NOT wear a helmet by the way- Just in case some of you were wondering. I did have the coolest pink bike in the whole neighborhood.)

Crazy Family Story of the Week

Last week, I was inspired to start this new feature on my blog: The Crazy Family Story of the Week. My extended family is absolutely huge, so I have a lot of material to draw from! I have relatives that are very successful in their professions and are compensated very well for it and I have relatives that aren't very successful at life in general let alone their careers! I love them all and am by no means trying to exploit their short-comings or hard luck stories. It's just some of this stuff is so entertaining that you couldn't make it up. Plus, no family is perfect. We all have quirks and issues, but sometimes we just can't take ourselves too seriously, because many things that happen to us are funny and just plain absurd at times. So, without any malintent or disrespect, here is the inagural crazy family story:

Last week, I was sitting at home, and my cell phone rang. It was my grandpa calling from Salt Lake City. He said that he had just watched the noon news and seen something disturbing that we should know about: my uncle's place had been raided. Obviously, this was not his son. So, I thanked him for letting me know and proceeded to start dialing down the family tree.

My uncle and his wife, my aunt (obviously), are fanatical Save the Animals people. I'm not sure that they even relate to people anymore, because they live their lives for dogs, cats, birds, etc. Their social skills leave a little to be desired. They are very passionate about their cause and have even lived in warehouses with all the animals instead of owning a home like the rest of us. They did have a house once, but that was featured on the news as one of Salt Lake's biggest eye-sores. Needless to say, the authorities have had a lot of complaints about my uncle and aunt! "Their house is a pig sty! They stink up the whole neighborhood! The dogs bark all day and all night!" They want to be a real shelter and their goal is getting the animals adopted out to caring families. Sounds good, right? Well, they only have a few problems: People try to adopt animals from them, but my uncle and aunt are so picky about who they trust to adopt the animals that almost no one gets one. And if you are worthy enough, you have to agree to let my uncle and aunt pop-in at any time over the next three years to make sure that you are indeed taking proper care of the animal. If they don't think you are, then they can take the animal back! Another obstacle to adoption is that they take in all the animals that no one would really want to have anyway. For example: Would you want to adopt an eight year old, blind, three legged dog with epilepsy? Ummm... Probably not. How about a retarded Parrot? It really is very compassionate of them to want to take care of these animals, but if they were in the wild they would not have survived. It's a little thing called Natural Selection. I guess that doesn't apply to domestic animals.

The other really big problem that they have, which leads us to the dramatic raid, is that they aren't licensed to have a shelter in the first place and they put all these animals in warehouses that aren't zoned to be animal shelters. So, of course, the other business owners complain and before you know it the local authorities show-up and take away 26 dogs, 35 cats, 3 birds and 2 rabbits (sounds almost like a Christmas Carol!), and my uncle is being interviewed for the local noon newscast. The last I heard, a judge is deciding if my uncle and aunt can have the animals back and if my uncle should face charges for running an illegal animal shelter.

So, that's my crazy family! I'll have another one next week.

Theater Whores

I bet I got some attention over that one! What exactly is a theater whore and how do you get one?! A theater whore is a person who will sacrifice everything to be in a show. Their lips are permanently afixed to the director's ass. They are annonyingly agreeable and "live" for even a meesly five minutes on stage. It might seem that I am talking about cut-throat Equity (stage actors' union) shows in New York or LA. But, no, theater whores are alive and well in Las Vegas community theater. Yes, I said community theater where everyone has a "real" job and no one gets paid a cent (you'll get gas money if you're really lucky!). Community theater: where directors say, "Jump", and you say, "How high?". Your compensation is the theater experience; what an honor it is to rehearse every night after working a "real" job all day. And what are you thinking if you believe that you can have a personal life on top of it all? From the second you audition to the curtain call on closing night (if you're really lucky, you get to stay and strike the set!), you belong to the director. You are owned;your soul has been bought and sold;you are the company's bitch. And, you think that you are the lucky one!

Yes, I am a former theater whore. There was a time when I gave my life and did my part to perpetuate the practice. Today, I am a theater whore no more! I have been liberated, and other actors can be, too! But, before you do, here is a true story of life after freedom: Earlier this week, I auditioned for a local musical. I was very wishy-washy about auditioning in the first place, but decided that it would be a fun thing to do this summer with a few of my friends. So, I auditioned and (in my estimation) did a pretty good job- definitely better than many I had seen. Alas, I have been denied the prestige of acting in a community show, because I committed the cardinal sins of having (gasp!) a conflict with an all day rehearsal and not being completely open to a role in the chorus (gasp!). When asked the question, I didn't say, "yes" or "no"; I said, "possibly". What kind of actress am I?! What in the world was I thinking?! Who am I to think that people should be cast for their ability not due to a lack of conflicts or an eagerness to please the director even if the situation isn't pleasing to oneself? How dare I insist on carrying on a life outside of the show? On a serious note, it is disconcerting to know that directors will sacrifice talent and quality in their shows without even thinking about trying to work through scheduling or casting issues. Community theater directors shouldn't forget that the actors in their shows are from the community (hence the adjective), and therefore carry on very full and active lives outside the theater experience. You would think that it would be in their best interest to work with their actors to create a more professional and quality production for the ticket purchasing public rather than just casting people who don't have issues and are over-eager, because it's just easier that way. Don't directors and theater companies have a responsibility to their patrons to put-on the best show possible with the best cast possible? I don't think missing one rehearsal would kill the show, but I could be wrong... Until more actors stand up for their lives, directors will continue to demand what is at times unreasonable from people who mearly have a love for music and theater. We are volunteers after all. Maybe I should start a support group like Volunteers Anonymous or Theater Whores Anonymous. So, to every community actor who has missed a family wedding due to a rehearsal or has danced across stage in the chorus when you knew that you could have pulled off the lead better, I implore you to take back your lives and just say no! I did it,and you can, too! Maybe I won't be in the show, but I will enjoy drinking margaritas at my Fourth of July party!

At Home or at the Office?

I had been so looking forward to writing yesterday, but yesterday got away from me as most days seem to do lately. Well, yesterday my husband started a new job with a very prominant national company. Starting a new job is always an adjustment and the first day is usually particularly difficult, because you don't do anything related to why you were hired in the first place unless you're in HR. We all go through that, but I did have more empathy for him than I would for most people because he is going from working downstairs at home to a gray cubicle in a busy office. Most of you probably wonder what would possess someone to give up the working at home gig. Well, a lot more money is always a factor... But, more than that, there really are draw backs to working from home. Yeah, I know...

My husband has been working from home for three years, and it has been really great; he has been able to do chores :), come and go mostly whenever (like having hair appointments and rehearsals at 1:00PM), be at the house for deliveries and home maintenance calls, watch movies and listen to music while working, etc. His dress code consisted of baseball hats, T-shirts and PJ bottoms and if he didn't feel like showering in the morning he didn't. There was no one to bug him except for the dogs and me on occasion and no inner-office politics. Yes, it was nice. However, most people are social beings who need meaningful and stimulating interaction with their contemporaries. At home, this just doesn't happen. It makes you appreciate even the mundane water cooler talk as very important. I think that three years alone was a little too long for him. There have been changes in attitude and behavior that I think are at least indirectly due to his isolation at home. Sure, he talked to people on the phone and via email, but it just wasn't the same. Also, it's hard to be motivated and feel like a contributing member of the company. He was like the red headed step-child of the company- unintentionally, of course. There was no opportunity for advancement (who was he supposed to manage, himself? Maybe the dogs.) and no real opportunities to shine and be the over-achiever so many of us hold near and dear to our hearts. After a while, that reality takes a toll on your feelings of worth and importance. Put that together with being alone all day in a semi-lit room and it's not a happy picture of mental health. It would take its toll on even the most well adjusted people. So, even though it's going to be a hard adjustment, I'm really happy that he is in an office again with people he can relate to, and I hope that he feels better about his life and the situation as he settles in. I will definitley miss having him at home. The flexibility was truly awesome. However, now he can go out and shine again as the star I know that he is and always has been. I think that it was the right choice.

Oh, yeah... HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!!!! I'm not Irish, but you can kiss me anyway! :)

Two Princesses

Once upon a time in a far off land, two princesses were born in neighboring kingdoms. They were not born on the same day or even in the same year, but close enough to serve. Over time they grew, quite unaware of one another. They crawled and they walked and they ran. One day much to the Kings' and Queens' surprise the coos turned to gurgles which turned into babble which turned into words which turned into sentences which one day would be songs! One was shy and reserved; the other was fussy and demanding (not always a bad thing!). One had fair hair that glistened in the sun like spun gold; the other, hair as dark and rich as the finest chocolate. Two princesses could not have been more different!
As afore mentioned, the princesses resided in neighboring kingdoms. The reward for their precocious maturity was the title of their respective kingdoms. The fair haired was known as The Princess of Candleberry, and the one who possessed the rich tresses was known as The Princess of Beaconsfield. Since early childhood, the royal families gathered together at the sacred stone. Being in the presence of the stone gave one stength, peace, and vast knowledge and understanding. The princesses were taught to respect and love the stone, it's history, and all of its promise. So they did. However, they were not in awe of each other what-so-ever. It was hard to notice the other with all the individualized attention which showered them, for they were quite precious and even strange. If their eyes did meet, there were no smiles, rather out-stuck tongues and a smirk.
When the princesses blossomed into fair young ladies, it became known that their destinies were tied to the sacred stone and that their lives would be drawn together for good. They were not fond of each other or the thought of coexisting in their devotion to the sacred stone. To make matters worse, they both sang to the stone. How could they be competing for their destiny like this? It hardly seemed fair. The Princess of Candleberry despised sharing her song with the Princess of Beaconsfield. Everyone knew that she was far too shy and timid to do any real good in the name of the stone! The stone deserved loud, distinctive and strong melodies that pierced the silence. Who was this other to whom she was compared? There was hardly a comparison, she thought,and resented the Princess of Beaconsfield for it. Now, the Princess of Beaconsfield may have been hurt by this if she had cared much what the Princess of Candleberry thought. But, she didn't. She could not understand why such loud braying was so highly regarded. The stone deserved a gentle, soft and sincere melody to waft just above it as if it were a dream. The Princess of Beaconsfield believed her song to be more powerful, because she was in tune with the stone. It was her belief in the stone that gave her purpose and the gift of song. It was her duty to give back to the stone what she had been given. Not a good set up for the Princesses, at all. Yet, they had to make the best of this awful situation or risk losing their stake in the stone all together. So, on the exterior, they ever so slightly began to soften.

To be continued...

What Goes Around Comes Around

Do you ever wonder if there is anything fair in life? Newton's Third Law of Motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The Bible tells us an eye for an eye and turn the other cheek. (Ok, so there is a difference between Old Testament and New Testament, but I digress!) There are people in this world who love others and do great things outside themselves; they would never hurt another person, and the next thing they know they are diagnosed with terminal cancer or a loved one dies or just changes inexplicably leaving life in a tailspin. Wonderful people are beset with tragedy as a reward. Doesn't good deserve good? Just a thought... On the other hand, there are those who just can't seem to keep their life on track. They take advantage of family and friends, they abuse themselves, they darken doors and kill spirits, they hurt the people who love them. Yet, around every corner a "second" chance is waiting and another opportunity to do the same thing again. They don't care who they hurt. Do they even know what they have done? Do they even know that they need forgiveness and that there are consequences for what has been done? As long as their happy, right? Personal happiness at any cost. They may be somewhat remorseful, but Pride will never let it show especially not to the offended. So, the selfish are exalted in the palaces they build for themselves while the good and the loving are met with tears and sorrow. Really fair. I know that mercy and judgement are God's alone, but things would be a lot easier if I really knew that what goes around comes around. It would be easier to accept the silence. I could let go and be at peace.

Family vs Friends

Family dynamics are never simple. There are people who despise their families and blame them for every awful thing that they have encountered. It's funny that when they get in trouble on their own, they blame their family for that, too. "But, I needed you then most of all." On the other hand, there are people who idolize their family members and place them on pedestals far above the rest of man-kind. It must be a Super Hero complex of some kind. Do they need to believe in someone so desperately that they can't possibly accept that the people they share a bloodline with are (gasp!) fallible?! Yes, even "perfect" siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc. screw up their lives and very effectively screw the people that love them without the need for a common bloodline. Of course, the family member must be right, or life as we know it would come to an end.
Neither of the above views is very healthy. Families can be wonderful support systems, and theoretically they are "there" through all the good and all the bad. I've come to view extended family as a group of people that you really don't have anything in common with except bloodline. Sure, you love and care for each other, but there are many people in my family that I probably would not hang out with if we didn't share a genealogy. That sounds harsh, but it's true. I have had great friendships with some of my cousins, especially when we were growing up. So, I am by no means anti-family. I just see my family members for who they really are.
I once felt that friends weren't worth much, because there was no proof of loyalty. Unlike family, nothing makes a friend appreciate or like you. Friends can burn you better than anyone. I was recently reminded of how nice it is to be stabbed in the back and betrayed by "friends". How it hurts to admit that not every friend is going to have your best interests at heart and that not everyone can be trusted. The priviledge of friendship is intimacy and betrayal of that trust is inexcusable. If I were to be asked for forgiveness (not holding my breath), I hope that I could be the bigger person, but as each day goes by it becomes less likely. Pride may never allow you to speak another word to me or to look me in the eyes, but I know the darkness, loneliness and emptiness in your soul, and maybe that's enough. For now, go on and live your lie. Do you believe in Karma?
Whoa, a little too deep and pointed there! On a more positive note, genuine friendships are incredibly life giving. I am also blessed with very loving and loyal friends. By no means do they just tell me what I want to hear. Rather, they challenge me to see the truth when I'm off-base and support me when truth is in my face and it seems that the everything is crumbling around me. We are silly and fun, too. I have also recently learned that true friendship cries, laughs, argues and loves through it all. I don't always have to be the life-of-the-party. I can cry, or be incredibly boring and they still want to be with me just as I am. I cherish these relationships and have found so much strength and courage through them. I love you guys; you're the family that I got to choose. I will always be there for you just as you have been for me. Now, I just need to be a little bit better about weeding out the bad apples...

Alright, next time I will try to make my post a little more interesting for the reader who doesn't have a clue what's going on. Bear with me, I just needed to get this one out and move on.

Genesis

Goddess Desiree looked out on the vast web and decided that something was missing. "I will create a blog!" she said. So, she went hard at work naming, profiling and posting her blog. On this first day, she looked at what she had created and said, "This is a good start. I will spend time throughout the days ahead breathing life and purpose into that which I have made. It will be home to my love, tears, confusion, dreams and joy. They will have no boundaries here." On the first day, she was very pleased.

I'm not even going to pretend that I know much about blog technology, so not too many pictures, songs, etc. here. It seems that this is all the rage, so here I am trying to discover what the fuss is about. I couldn't possibly be left out for too long! Maybe some days will be melancholy or goofy or sappy or angry or even boring! But they are all part of my story and authentic to my experience of life. This is my beginning; my Genesis.