Ok, Ok, I'll admit it...

It took me a few years, but I actually actively paid attention to American Idol this year. I still feel that it is a ridiculous popularity contest and not a true indicator of a person's talent, but I got sucked in all the same. Maybe it was the increased age limit that intrigued and endeared me to some of the contestants. Maybe it was the Vegas connection. Maybe it was because Don had rehearsals or shows almost every Tuesday and Wednesday night, so I didn't have anything better to do. I didn't get so carried away that I actually voted for anyone. I would have voted if people were allowed to vote for who should have been kicked off. That would have been a lot easier to get behind. I didn't really care who won, but I did have definite thoughts about who sucked! But, who am I to talk? You didn't see me camping out at The Orleans for days in pursuit of the dream. Watching the finale last night, I actually had a little twinge of the "I could do that" jealousy. It was that musical drive and excitement that I haven't felt in a very long time. I have done such a good job of burying my dreams of becoming a famous singer that it felt really strange to be a little excited about it. When they announced the locations of next season's auditions I even let the thought of auditioning cross my mind. I really don't imagine that I would, but if I've learned anything this year it's that you never know what's coming around the corner! I used to be so determined and so motivated to have a career in the music industry. I was painfully close to accepting a music scholarship at a school in Nashville just so I could try my luck on Music Row. UNLV offered more money for my brain and the rest is history. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had gone to Nashville. Would I have been successful at all, or would I have come home with my tail between my legs? When it really came down to it I guess that I was too scared to risk failing. I'd rather play it safe with a sure thing than take a huge risk on the unknown. Over and over I have made this decision. I have put rationalism and realism before my dreams so many times that I don't think I have any dreams left (or I'm afraid to have them, because not realizing them is too painful.). This is coming from the same kid who was out to prove to the world that she was something special. I was going to be something someday. How does the girl who was "most likely to become famous" face her peers who remember her as more than just someone's wife who works for a church? Maybe, it was just the naivette and promise of youth that made it all seem so easy to attain. I think I just got tired of pushing myself. Sure, I had support, but no one has ever really pushed me to realize my potential and do something great. It was always up to me. But, I need to know that I have a fan in my corner; someone to cheer me on. My star shone so brightly, but it burned out too soon. I am but a shadow of my former self. To think what I could do today with the determination I had then...