Humbled
This morning Don and I attended the Music Ministry Retreat at church. It was a very nice experience that hopefully will continue to grow. It was definitely over-due. We didn't really do or hear anything that we haven't before, so if that's what people were expecting they probably would be disappointed. However, it was nice to hear it from a different voice. The only parts that I didn't particularly enjoy were when some of the participants dominated the conversations with stories and anecdotes that were simply way too long. Sure, details are nice to an extent, but I'd much rather have someone get to the point and let me ask questions to fill in the missing pieces.
A lot of the retreat ended up focusing on what a receptive and wonderful community we minister to. The participants kind of steered it this way, and I kept thinking, "Who in the world are these people singing to?!". Because, any given Sunday, I don't feel particularly supported by the community or even my peers. Yet, they went on and on about these miracle stories of church songs turning people around and how blessed they all are to be a part of the groups they are in with such wonderful respective leadership. Needless to say, no one from our group was there, and even if there had been, I'm not sure there would have been much love to share. Even the retreat leader went on and on about the very first Mass she attended and how it was the music that cemented her choice to become a parishoner. She went a step further to say that it was really one song, Be Not Afraid, sung by one person. She said that she felt the singer's heart and prayer through that song and in the midst of hundreds of people believed that it was sung just for her. So, right then she decided that this was the parish for her.
Many of you know that I have spent a lot of time recently questioning why we do what we do. Does any of it matter to anyone? When I see the the front row filled with slouching teenagers who I know masquerade very differently on-line or the throngs of people who come in late and leave early or smile my way through a Psalm that only a handful of people sing along with it really causes me to lose heart and faith in the ministry that I have given so much of my life and love to. I have a tendency to dwell on the negative. I spend more time worrying about the two people in the group who just can't seem to get on-board or the back row of giggling trouble-makers than anything else. The unfortunate thing is that years of feeling this way have clouded my perception of the truth. I don't think that anything we do is any more than white noise or simply background music for a social hour. Does anyone really pay attention enough to realize that 8 times out of 10 the music we have chosen complements the readings of the day? Shoot, most musicians don't even seem to get it! I could go on and on with my disgruntled feelings... So, our quitting the 5:00 group is probably a really good idea, although it didn't become real until today. Today was the first time that we really felt the finality and sadness of our decision. Up 'till now, we've been counting down the days. Today, I wanted to stop the clock.
So, what does the preceeding paragraph have to do with today's retreat? A few good points were made today in that no one ever said that we would be appreciated or compensated for what we do and that we all need to remember to play/sing for God first, the people second and ourselves third. Well, I have spent so much time feeling ineffectual, worthless and dispensable that I have completely forgotten that there are people out there who "get it". Referring back to the music minister who sang Be Not Afraid, it had to have been Debbie or Gina or Cathy; one of those old-timers that seem to have everyone from "Hello". How floored was I when it was revealed that that person was me. I could hardly believe that I had actually touched someone so deeply through my song. Here I am obsessing over everything that people don't like or all the things that go wrong when something has gone very right. I know it's not all about me; it was a Holy Spirit moment that I obviously didn't control. I was so humbled at that moment. I guess we really don't know how God works through us and our song but that He does. I hope that I never forget or question that again.
A lot of the retreat ended up focusing on what a receptive and wonderful community we minister to. The participants kind of steered it this way, and I kept thinking, "Who in the world are these people singing to?!". Because, any given Sunday, I don't feel particularly supported by the community or even my peers. Yet, they went on and on about these miracle stories of church songs turning people around and how blessed they all are to be a part of the groups they are in with such wonderful respective leadership. Needless to say, no one from our group was there, and even if there had been, I'm not sure there would have been much love to share. Even the retreat leader went on and on about the very first Mass she attended and how it was the music that cemented her choice to become a parishoner. She went a step further to say that it was really one song, Be Not Afraid, sung by one person. She said that she felt the singer's heart and prayer through that song and in the midst of hundreds of people believed that it was sung just for her. So, right then she decided that this was the parish for her.
Many of you know that I have spent a lot of time recently questioning why we do what we do. Does any of it matter to anyone? When I see the the front row filled with slouching teenagers who I know masquerade very differently on-line or the throngs of people who come in late and leave early or smile my way through a Psalm that only a handful of people sing along with it really causes me to lose heart and faith in the ministry that I have given so much of my life and love to. I have a tendency to dwell on the negative. I spend more time worrying about the two people in the group who just can't seem to get on-board or the back row of giggling trouble-makers than anything else. The unfortunate thing is that years of feeling this way have clouded my perception of the truth. I don't think that anything we do is any more than white noise or simply background music for a social hour. Does anyone really pay attention enough to realize that 8 times out of 10 the music we have chosen complements the readings of the day? Shoot, most musicians don't even seem to get it! I could go on and on with my disgruntled feelings... So, our quitting the 5:00 group is probably a really good idea, although it didn't become real until today. Today was the first time that we really felt the finality and sadness of our decision. Up 'till now, we've been counting down the days. Today, I wanted to stop the clock.
So, what does the preceeding paragraph have to do with today's retreat? A few good points were made today in that no one ever said that we would be appreciated or compensated for what we do and that we all need to remember to play/sing for God first, the people second and ourselves third. Well, I have spent so much time feeling ineffectual, worthless and dispensable that I have completely forgotten that there are people out there who "get it". Referring back to the music minister who sang Be Not Afraid, it had to have been Debbie or Gina or Cathy; one of those old-timers that seem to have everyone from "Hello". How floored was I when it was revealed that that person was me. I could hardly believe that I had actually touched someone so deeply through my song. Here I am obsessing over everything that people don't like or all the things that go wrong when something has gone very right. I know it's not all about me; it was a Holy Spirit moment that I obviously didn't control. I was so humbled at that moment. I guess we really don't know how God works through us and our song but that He does. I hope that I never forget or question that again.
posted by Unknown at 4:34 PM
3 Comments:
It's not like that at every mass though. At 11:30 there aren't a ton of young kids glaring at the cantor or not singing. A lot of people participate.
And also, don't forget...I wasn't Catholic when I started going to CTK but after going to 5 pm mass and listening to the music for a while I became intersted. You cradle Catholics take for granted the effect that you can have on people who aren't so sure about their own faith. For me it wasn't one particular song but all the same I was affected.
Thanks, you're right. Don and I actually really enjoy our 5:00 Saturday crowd. Sure, there are a lot of songs we can't do with them, but they are very participatory and appreciative. So, I am looking forward to being able to give them more energy as well as hanging out at 9:30. 5:00 Sunday has always been a tough crowd. I know that the other Masses aren't like that.
I think it's just the age range. The older people are more likely to be there by choice.
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