Drowning

I think I've finally been broken. There's no huge catalyst; just a lot of little things that have weakened me over time. Maybe it's clarity: finally realizing that no one really cares and that the dream is dead. So much of my energy and so much of my passion now trivialized and reduced to casual indifference. It's always a fight- struggling against everyone and everything for what I thought was a shared vision. Everyone says they understand, but if they did they wouldn't cast it all aside in favor of the most recent whim. I'm tired of standing up for something that everyone pays lip service to but no one believes in. I'm weary of constantly sacrificing for the selfishness of others. Dishonesty has made me resentful. I don't think that I can stomach hearing one more excuse. I am sad for what was once so much a part of my joy. I just can't do it anymore without support and dedication. I thought that I could make people care and show them how important it all is. I guess I was naive, because at the core all any one cares about is oneself and what is best for them. There is no altruism. No one believes in anything but their selfish wishes. "What do I get? I can have it all. I am the exception. I'll do what's right for me and to Hell with everyone else! As long as I'm happy, I don't care about anyone or anything else. Me. Me. Me." Really, it is that attitude that has finally broken my spirit. I am grieving my vision of a world in which people care about each other and bigger things than themselves. I no longer believe that exists. Look at the road ways, our neighborhoods, our church. It's no wonder that so many marriages are doomed for failure; no one can see beyond themselves to really love, respect and value their spouse. It's all about what's best for me. That is the saddest, most lonely statement I have ever heard. I'm not saying that we should live our lives for everyone else, but when what you want keeps you from showing love for another or respecting your commitments and the commitment of others there's something very wrong. Unfortunately, I think this is the prevailing attitude and it makes me sick to my stomach. My heart has been more hurt by the selfishness of others than anything else in my life. To know that you, your ideals, dreams and visions are stomped on by the self-gratification of others makes it very difficult to go on. There are many times when I have felt like an afterthought or something that's only important when it's convenient to be. I feel so heavy of heart, and I don't know what to do. Do I stay on a sinking ship trying in vain to keep it afloat only to drown, or do I jump ship and brave swimming to a new shore? I wish it were easy. Nothing ever is.